February 26, 2008
The Most Hated Man in America gives birth to the donut insurgency.
“We believe that this is a bold demonstration of our commitment to our core and a reaffirmation of our coffee leadership,” stated Howard Schultz, newly minted Dark Lord of Starbucks. He further went on to announce that all locations would be shut down from 5:30pm to 8:30pm today in order to retrain all available Baristas in accelerated pouring techniques and store functions. He then mentioned something about layoffs and bottom lines as every corporate Dark Lord is required to. This quote/press release was issued mere moments before the suits atop the Dunkin’ Donuts Frosted Tower decided that the time is ripe for war, thus lowering their coffee prices this afternoon “to ensure that no coffee lover is denied a delicious espresso-based beverage.”
This devious affair arrives amid increased chatter from my Indianapolis cohorts that Dunkin’ Donuts is sweeping the city. New locations are sprouting like sweet toadstools to satisfy the sugar and caffeine fixations of a calorie ravaged populace. (Note to DD, bend Wal-Mart over and deliver the sweet glaze into their many locations so that your customers will only have to undertake a minimal limp on their quest to develop diabetes.)
Here in Los Angeles there isn’t a Dunkin’ Donuts in sight. There are frequent donut traps lining our neighborhoods but they are all owned by individual entrepreneurs and often will sell you Chinese food, and possibly a hand job, if you know how to ask properly. However, Starbucks is as regular as the mountain haze and it’s not uncommon to witness rampaging, ultra parents pitching fits about the lack of parking. Their eyes are wild like urban cannibals while they thrust their terrified children into war strollers. Even the panhandlers vacate the scene when they see these demons in SUV armor taking a parking spot at 30 miles per hour.
Friends, this day fills me with fear. As countless nine-to-fivers exit the gridlocked freeways and stream into their local Starbucks only to find that the doors are locked I expect to see flames and blood. Through the windows the glazed eyes of the cannibals will glimpse apron clad youngsters steaming through their Barista drills, happily sipping their mistakes and gladly toasting their fortunes. I fully expect to witness an apocalypse and fear that the LAPD does not have enough officers to contain the terror which will unfold when Goldilocks discovers her frappe-snickerdoodle-double shot espresso is just 25 feet out of reach.
Meanwhile the denizens of the Frosted Donut Tower will laugh and develop new ways to inject a cowering society with glazed based pastries. This means war.
I love me some DD. Not to be confused with D & D.